Before I get to how to buy pepper spray, I gotta tell you I’m feeling like there’s something bubbling beneath the surface this morning that needs to get out. It’s kind of like a volcanic heat, or a white phosphorous grenade, for those of you familiar with ordnance.

AIG inspired a lot of outrage yesterday on the b-tube.

Yeah, the CEO Ed Liddy has a tin ear, but that’s not what I want to talk about here. And I’m not saying AIG executives, who ran the company into the toilet deserve a dime, because they don’t.

The real story you should pay attention to, is the goofballs who were basking in the well of the House and Senate, taunting AIG executives with confiscatory taxes if the money isn’t returned. The brigade was led by our wonderful friend Chuck Schumer, the senior Senator from New York.

Chucky raved and ranted while his sidekick John Kerry oohed and aahed, or maybe he just needed a bathroom break to get rid of last night’s filet de boofe.

But here’s an interesting fact you might want to pay attention too. The candidates who got the most cash from AIG are:

1. Christopher Dodd – shocking right? Ha. Wherever you see, or don’t see, corruption, Chris Dodd just happens to be there…watching the building collapse. But he’ll set everything right for sure.

2. Chuck (U Farley) Schumer – Can you believe it? The guy leading the charge against AIG took the second highest amount of campaign contributions.

3. Barack Obama – That is right ladies and germs…El Jefe came in third place in the campaign cash sweepstakes…followed by…

4. John McCain – who was followed by…

5. John (why the long face) Kerry

6. Joe Lieberman

7. Joe (Huh?) Biden

Did Republicans take money too? Of course. But 85% of those who got some AIG cash were in squarely the Dumbo Party.

Their money should be taken away.

They should be fined an amount equal to what they took, and then some.

Kick them right out of their offices too.

They can come to my house and scrub some toliets. Nice way to spend the rest of their hypocritical, disgusting lives. Oh, or maybe they can be forced to live with Nancy Pelosi. Maybe that’s too harsh.

Okay, no onto how to buy pepper spray

Let’s pretend you want it to defend yourself, your family, or even your idiot liberal cousin from New York. Or Massachusetts, or Connecticut.

You have to think about a few things.

1. Your surroundings.

2. Where you are.

3. Range

4. How hot you like it.

You should ask:

When do I strike? Do I spray multiple times? How strong should my pepper spray be? Am I going to be inside or outside? Is there wind? Is it raining? If I’m inside and use pepper spray what should I do after?

In my opinion, nothing beats power. Which is why I love Wildfire. It will burn the balls off a bear in moments. But sometimes you might rather have the Mace Pepper Gun, which can shoot up to 25 feet. No, it doesn’t burn like the 10th level of hell, but sometimes you don’t need more than Level I or II. And believe me, it will put down a mook.

All pepper spray works as a deterrent, and a very good one. My personal feeling is that some deterrents are better than others, and they leave some quality psychological scarring on a mook. Wildfire leaves a permanent dent on a mook’s psyche, and he will forever associate whatever his hustle was with severe pain.

The Mace Pepper Gun can take a mook out without you getting close.

But to be effective, you must buy pepper spray and keep it on your person – I love that phrase. It sure as hell isn’t going to do much for you sitting in a warehouse. (I pity the fool…)

You wan’t protection…buy pepper spray.

And dream of the day you get attacked by a dirty, unshaved mook who looks like Chris Dodd…(spray spray…Oh is that you Senator…spray spray…I know it hurts…spray spray…what did you say there…spray spray…did you ever give back that AIG money?)

As you can tell, I’ve thought about that more than once today. It’s nice.

At least for me.