I opened the paper today to discover that the traveling public’s old nemesis is back at it again. Les LeGroom has been an insidious presence in the airline industry for a long time but his influence is having an ever greater reach with a new rash of aircraft deliveries. Airlines are taking possession of airplanes that have same-size cabins as earlier ones but with the important distinction of having more seats crammed into them. Les has been up to this trick of squeezing humanity into tighter and tighter spaces for quite some time. Airlines have been hiring him as a key consultant ever since he left the sardine canning industry.

No one can discredit Les LeGroom by saying he lacks of ingenuity. The airlines cannot get enough of this guy’s ideas. He always delivers the goods and does it smoothly, such as when the removal of food galleys created hardly any upset among seasoned passengers. After all, this was seen as a positive public health move, the end of gray chicken a la king. A few more seats were tucked in these nooks as though they had always been there. So full of ideas, it is like Les never sleeps and of course, he expects the same from airline passengers. Another of his expectations may come as a bit of a shock though. Rumor has it that he is urging the airlines to consider cutting back on a significant percentage of lavatory space, to make room for even yet more seating. Why waste all that space on one or two uncomfortable thrones?

Indeed, it has been revealed through a leaked memo that Les is advocating that airlines begin to advise passengers to purchase ATBs before boarding. After some research, journalists discovered that ATB is the acronym for Airline Travel Brief, which is nothing more than a euphemism for an adult diaper. According to the memo, these should be available for a fee at the boarding gate if passengers have forgotten to supply their own. Apparently, memos are not the only leaks that airlines resent having to contend with.

State of the art seat cushioning is Les’ favorite claim to fame on the new aircraft. New seats are now designed to emulate the thin profile of the flip down LCD screens that are supposed to keep passengers glued in their chairs, mindless of their close quarters. Something tells me that the human body is not as adept at fitting into many of the prescribed folded positions and tilts of the new seating, despite the positive press the airline spokesmen are giving it. Sitting in my flexible desk chair and carefully enacting a written description of how the new seats can recline without disturbing one’s backyard neighbor, I managed to act up my sciatica and bloody my knee on the desk in front of me.

What is Les LeGroom’s vision for the future of air travel? It hardly bears contemplation. People shoved together in their ATBs, figuring out their ETAs and stinking to high heaven of the sardine oil showered on them by the sprinklers recently installed at the boarding gate. Practices gleaned from one industry and applied to another can have frightening consequences. We might be well advised to tuck one of those funny little can keys into our Airline Travel Briefs just in case of an emergency.

(A Note to My Readers: Since the first publishing of the above commentary, I have been informed that the correct spelling for Les LeGroom is Less LegRoom. I apologize for any confusion this error may have caused.)